menopausal empty nest grief
Although it had most certainly not been her whole life, mothering had been the most important role in Nancy's life for the past 25 years, so when her youngest son, Jason, left home the single mom was bereft -- but what she failed to take into consideration was that what she was experiencing was more a menopausal phenomenon (mood swings) than the empty nest syndrome.
"I didn't experience the empty nest syndrome with my two older boys," explains Nancy, "but when my baby Jason left home I started hurting really badly. I needed to talk to someone to make me feel better, but who?"
"When you're divorcing it's bad form to seek solace from married people - you unsettle them," explains Nancy. "Likewise, when you're dealing with the grief of a child leaving home you don't seek solace from a woman with children of the same age as the child who recently moved out of your nest. "
"And, you don't seek solace from childless people because they're likely to think you're crazy, " laughs Nancy, "and because I knew I wasn't crazy I didn't seek professional help from a therapist."
"What I had to do was seek solace and advice from people who've been there and done that and know exactly what I was feeling."
"The indescribable wrench I felt must be the same feeling, I suppose, that women must feel when the time comes to retire from work," says Nancy. "At first it is freeing, and then it is killing - or it can be if you do not pick yourself up and find some other meaning for your life. But what?"
Nancy had a terrific job, lots of friends and a great lifestyle and yet nothing could fill that gaping hole that had appeared in her life when her youngest son Jason left home.
As it turned out, only one person could emphathize with how Nancy felt.
"James was a long-standing male friend who had lost his youngest son, Allan, in an accident a few years ago and had been living alone ever since," says Nancy. "Talking about my feelings of loss stirred up a great well of grief within James and I hesitated to continue sharing my feelings with him, but he insisted that I pour my heart out to him."
"He told me that he really appreciated the opportunity to talk about Allan and relive the good times they had shared before the boy's death, and the whole experience put things into perspective for me."
"Jason had merely moved out of home," sighs Nancy, "but Allan was dead. It made me feel ashamed for carrying on like a silly mother hen."
The rawness of Nancy's exchanges with James was starkly contrasted by the reaction of everyone else in her life. It was generally a case of: "Wow, go for it gal, your burdens have lifted, you're free, the world's your oyster - how wonderful for you, etc."
"In many ways what they said made sense," says Nancy. "And yet it was like the story James told me about friends of his who had said ‘you'll get over it’ when Allan had died. What they were trying to convey to James was the inevitability of life continuing. But what they failed to take into consideration was the incredible rawness of his feelings either because they were totally devoid of empathy or they had no experience of any sort of loss from which to draw comparisons."
The other people in Nancy's life at that time were singles. They neither had children nor wanted them. They were good company for her in the early period of the empty nest, when she didn't feel any emotional deprivation but as the weeks ticked by and her emotions were welling their company became hollow.
"It was James I turned to for empathy and emotional support," explains Nancy, "and he gave me good advice such as make no drastic changes and keep busy. Let time sort things out."
Nancy eventually overcame the empty nest syndrome by keeping extremely busy. She attended to everything in her home and garden and life that she had neglected for years. She drew up plans for all the things she had wanted to do, but never had time to do, or freedom to do, and started to do them, one by one.
"Sharing your feelings with someone who truly understands what you are experiencing is a very important step to recovery," advises Nancy.
"If you don’t know anybody who has been through the empty nest syndrome," says Nancy, "then try contacting a support group like Compassionate Friends."
"The group you contact may not consider an adult child leaving home as a good enough reason for their sympathy and support - and fair enough, their children are dead," says Nancy, " but they may be able to put you into contact with a support group that can help."
"It's really true. Without the help of someone in similar circumstances who knew how I felt," confides Nancy, "I would not have recovered from the empty nest syndrome so fast."
Nancy's story first appeared as the empty nest syndrome
"I didn't experience the empty nest syndrome with my two older boys," explains Nancy, "but when my baby Jason left home I started hurting really badly. I needed to talk to someone to make me feel better, but who?"
"When you're divorcing it's bad form to seek solace from married people - you unsettle them," explains Nancy. "Likewise, when you're dealing with the grief of a child leaving home you don't seek solace from a woman with children of the same age as the child who recently moved out of your nest. "
"And, you don't seek solace from childless people because they're likely to think you're crazy, " laughs Nancy, "and because I knew I wasn't crazy I didn't seek professional help from a therapist."
"What I had to do was seek solace and advice from people who've been there and done that and know exactly what I was feeling."
"The indescribable wrench I felt must be the same feeling, I suppose, that women must feel when the time comes to retire from work," says Nancy. "At first it is freeing, and then it is killing - or it can be if you do not pick yourself up and find some other meaning for your life. But what?"
Nancy had a terrific job, lots of friends and a great lifestyle and yet nothing could fill that gaping hole that had appeared in her life when her youngest son Jason left home.
As it turned out, only one person could emphathize with how Nancy felt.
"James was a long-standing male friend who had lost his youngest son, Allan, in an accident a few years ago and had been living alone ever since," says Nancy. "Talking about my feelings of loss stirred up a great well of grief within James and I hesitated to continue sharing my feelings with him, but he insisted that I pour my heart out to him."
"He told me that he really appreciated the opportunity to talk about Allan and relive the good times they had shared before the boy's death, and the whole experience put things into perspective for me."
"Jason had merely moved out of home," sighs Nancy, "but Allan was dead. It made me feel ashamed for carrying on like a silly mother hen."
The rawness of Nancy's exchanges with James was starkly contrasted by the reaction of everyone else in her life. It was generally a case of: "Wow, go for it gal, your burdens have lifted, you're free, the world's your oyster - how wonderful for you, etc."
"In many ways what they said made sense," says Nancy. "And yet it was like the story James told me about friends of his who had said ‘you'll get over it’ when Allan had died. What they were trying to convey to James was the inevitability of life continuing. But what they failed to take into consideration was the incredible rawness of his feelings either because they were totally devoid of empathy or they had no experience of any sort of loss from which to draw comparisons."
The other people in Nancy's life at that time were singles. They neither had children nor wanted them. They were good company for her in the early period of the empty nest, when she didn't feel any emotional deprivation but as the weeks ticked by and her emotions were welling their company became hollow.
"It was James I turned to for empathy and emotional support," explains Nancy, "and he gave me good advice such as make no drastic changes and keep busy. Let time sort things out."
Nancy eventually overcame the empty nest syndrome by keeping extremely busy. She attended to everything in her home and garden and life that she had neglected for years. She drew up plans for all the things she had wanted to do, but never had time to do, or freedom to do, and started to do them, one by one.
"Sharing your feelings with someone who truly understands what you are experiencing is a very important step to recovery," advises Nancy.
"If you don’t know anybody who has been through the empty nest syndrome," says Nancy, "then try contacting a support group like Compassionate Friends."
"The group you contact may not consider an adult child leaving home as a good enough reason for their sympathy and support - and fair enough, their children are dead," says Nancy, " but they may be able to put you into contact with a support group that can help."
"It's really true. Without the help of someone in similar circumstances who knew how I felt," confides Nancy, "I would not have recovered from the empty nest syndrome so fast."
Nancy's story first appeared as the empty nest syndrome
Labels: empty nest syndrome, empty nests, friendship, kids leaving home, menopause, mood swings, single moms
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